My cash is being hindered... So much turmoil in so mnay areas... But it hasn't had the effects it once would have. Its not the dating thing... Its not this nor that per say. Its maybe and hopefully, a new resolute sense of, everything will be ok.
Being the person I am.. I think and really delve into my actions, thoughts, reasonings... And of others as well..
I am missing my best friend, my muse. Immensely. But there is a lot of angst there. I think i understand but cannot do more than just wait for the white caps to hopefully pass and calmer seas come about. And having a best friend who you have feelings for, can in some situations, make the normal close friendship strained. I understand this.. Totally. And carry guilt for some of the tension.
But I also know i am growing. Learning to break down my walls, to get outside my safe zone and get involved in the world more..yes, somewhat locally..but it is more than I would do sitting home wishing for change.
I have said truths. As I cannot meet some peoples expectations... And in a way, that pisses me off... Living up to what people think i should do.. it isnt healthy.. and very frustrating to me... I do try to appreciate people totally. And void the little things... But it feels like shit to be spoken down to... And that part, along with threats of removal of frienship over all sorts of diffferent things...makes me skeptical of peoples mindsets... And control issues... I myself have them... But not in a way that i vent on others. It is just... Weird to me.
But alas... I save my learnings for when i have time to sit, with clearer head and mind... For now..its time to explore whats been just a drive away... Des Moines.
