My cash is being hindered... So much turmoil in so mnay areas... But it hasn't had the effects it once would have. Its not the dating thing... Its not this nor that per say. Its maybe and hopefully, a new resolute sense of, everything will be ok.
Being the person I am.. I think and really delve into my actions, thoughts, reasonings... And of others as well..
I am missing my best friend, my muse. Immensely. But there is a lot of angst there. I think i understand but cannot do more than just wait for the white caps to hopefully pass and calmer seas come about. And having a best friend who you have feelings for, can in some situations, make the normal close friendship strained. I understand this.. Totally. And carry guilt for some of the tension.
But I also know i am growing. Learning to break down my walls, to get outside my safe zone and get involved in the world more..yes, somewhat locally..but it is more than I would do sitting home wishing for change.
I have said truths. As I cannot meet some peoples expectations... And in a way, that pisses me off... Living up to what people think i should do.. it isnt healthy.. and very frustrating to me... I do try to appreciate people totally. And void the little things... But it feels like shit to be spoken down to... And that part, along with threats of removal of frienship over all sorts of diffferent things...makes me skeptical of peoples mindsets... And control issues... I myself have them... But not in a way that i vent on others. It is just... Weird to me.
But alas... I save my learnings for when i have time to sit, with clearer head and mind... For now..its time to explore whats been just a drive away... Des Moines.
Let me say just a few things, and then I won't bother you anymore.
ReplyDeleteI was interested in you. Yes, I do like certain things, and no there is nothing wrong with having standards. Would I have been interested in you if I didn't think you met them? No. So just stop with that bullshit. You were too blind with your own self doubts to see it. I am a firm believer (yeah, my beliefs again) that the family that plays and exercises together, stays together. I have tried to explain it, you don't see it, you don't agree with it, you don't want to have anything to do with it except rub by nose in it over and over.
You claimed that you didn't want to start anything with me because it would have been dishonorable. Interesting. You don't seem to have an issue with honor now that you've met Karin.
And the part about deleting you? Yes, when you said you were making friends with Neo Nazis, yes. I don't associate with them or their friends. Period. But we discussed that too didn't we? In fact all of these points were discussed over and over. And just when I think we've made headway, here we are again.
What really did me in was the comment down below. The plain Jane comment. That has burned me up since July, probably just like what I said burned you up. And unfortunately, we scorpios take a long time to simmer these fires within.
I feel like I can't say anything to you without you thinking I'm butting in, or overstepping, or being pushy.
I guess I just don't meet your standards. It's ok. I'm fine with who I am, I don't need your approval.
If you choose to cull me, that is your choice. I'll miss the friendship we once had.
I wish you nothing but happiness and love.
Plain Jane