Soulfly

It Was a great show.. lody kong which is half cavelera..Maxs sons, was actually really really good..    brings it all back to family.  

Tbh, I fear I have squandered a lot of my potential. I'm not stupid, usually. Lol..  but I was never career minded.. raised myself and always just did what I had to, to live.  Now, I realize I could have lived differently.. no regrets. But helps to bring more wisdom into my future I hope.   

  Still workin on my direction and what I want from life. I guess, maybe, its the things I didn't have growing up.  A sense of family..  a home, someone equal to share life with..  I do often try so very hard for those I care about. And even with that, fall short. But intentions in those ways have always been a sincere and honorable part of me. When idgaf I realize I am as shit as any other guy.  So I have always tried to let things touch me or let my heart be more the guide.. which is often led to a lot of wishful thinking... but maybe its because under that.. I know somehow what I really am capable of..  but I have tired of baring the weight in things. Baring them alone.   Its not weakness... I just deep down know there is magic in the world..  and that comes from connection, trust, and standing with someone.
Never been a great guy, often not even a good guy..  but I do try. For something special. Something to share and value in the growth and mark milestones not as myself... but as a part of a family.
  I have a good heart, its not fickle... once people are inside that part of me..  it is not something that just changes... 

I don't think I deserve anything, but I know, I need peace, happiness, and family. Deserve it? That's not my call.. 

If you know me well, you know my hearts an open book.. my moods and feelings can be seen on my face and in body language. These things I've never known how to fake.  I am me, imperfectly flawed, yet so easy of nature for those closest to me.   

I do wish, I did have a career.. something I can do for work, anywhere I go..  maybe tattooing is an option..  but not the physical work I am so used to and crave.  I'm as comfortable lazin about as I am bustin my ass and sweatin it out... but its the midwest work ethic.. and sense of pride in the work.. and effort. 

I'm doing away with my Thursday beers after work..  become to regular.. and needs to change..  so kerps is now, iffy on the weekly.anyways....  

But a lot has resurfaced in my life...  and I am always thankful for those who know me best and get who I am..  few do...lmao..

So a random half groggy blog...lol