Sometimes

The hardest thing to do is be selfless. I have let my own desires fuel my heart before..  And to be totally honest..  Kate, and what we shared, for the time we did.. was magic for me. It started innocently.  But from the first time I saw her live, even though on cam, I saw a Beautiful and Amazing woman. What happened two yrs ago... hurt me more than I care to admit. I was cut away like a cancer, and I had become just that in so many ways.  I couldn't walk away from her, ever.
Now after we have both spoken, I feel closure, finally. Still love her? Yes, of course, and always.  But In Love? No, its been too long, too many things have changed.. and even if I did.. I could never open myself again to the pain her leaving for the second time, had brought into my heart.
Now I see so many things I did wrong. I held too tight, wanted too much, and left myself regardless of consequences, open to failure. 
Now, I see things differently. I understand why she had to walk away. I always did, it just tore me up inside.
Now that I can care and be open again.. I remove myself from the equation. No wants, no agendas.. But just a growing feeling of understanding, and appreciation and respect...for everyone and for my muse. I do know my role, and fight letting the selfishness of want to take hold.. its childish..
You can love people, have them close to you, even miss them and not need to "have" them. Nor want the typical outcomes..  It is a new level and strange tbh.. but this role with my muse..is best suited. To care, to listen, to understand as well for her, as she does me.  And that is enough..  and I am thankful.

Yes, I Miss what Kate and I shared, miss it immensely..and I Miss Her... yet it can never be open between us again.Not like it was... it has been pretty clear I am still an asshat of immense proportions... I wish our friendship could flourish.. but I am weary, and keep plenty of distance out of respect. Nice to be able to say hello, but she scares the fuck out of my heart, and my tenderside. So I keep way clear for my own good. Cause I tends to be a soft hearted knuckle dragger.. 

So, here I see things maybe more positively.. more clearly..  I am Tender guy at heart.. often too tender. But Loving the people I care about.. and not... putting myself in the equation..ie falling in love.. keeps people clear. Clear of my burdens, my dramas, and my whinging like a broken hearted asshat... But caring, and showing I care, with integrity and minus my own selfish desires... Is a new path.. And good for me and those I hold dear.