a bit stressed

My cash is being hindered...  So much turmoil in so mnay areas...  But it hasn't had the effects it once would have.  Its not the dating thing... Its not this nor that per say. Its maybe and hopefully, a new resolute sense of, everything will be ok.

Being the person I am.. I think and really delve into my actions, thoughts, reasonings... And of others as well.. 

I am missing my best friend, my muse. Immensely. But there is a lot of angst there. I think i understand but cannot do more than just wait for the white caps to hopefully pass and calmer seas come about.   And having a best friend who you have feelings for, can in some situations, make the normal close friendship strained. I understand this.. Totally. And carry guilt for some of the tension. 

But I also know i am growing. Learning to break down my walls, to get outside my safe zone and get involved in the world more..yes, somewhat locally..but it is more than I would do sitting home wishing for change. 

I have said truths. As I cannot meet some peoples expectations... And in a way, that pisses me off... Living up to what people think i should do.. it isnt healthy.. and very frustrating to me... I do try to appreciate people totally. And void the little things... But it feels like shit to be spoken down to... And that part, along with threats of removal of frienship over all sorts of diffferent things...makes me skeptical of peoples mindsets...  And control issues...  I myself have them...  But not in a way that i vent on others.  It is just... Weird to me.

But alas...  I save my learnings for when i have time to sit, with clearer head and mind... For now..its time to explore whats been just a drive away... Des Moines.

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its hard

When you care for someone, and vice versa. And you know the reasons are your heart and mind...  Knowing someone you do want is not attracted to you physically definately puts ya off... Even though there is a huge attraction and lust on my part.     
And also knowing they are not ready for you. Or what you bring to the table..it can be painful when you see clearly. And want...  But cannot do, without everything growing and being open....  The threats of deletion were enough to make me think there needs to be more healing. 

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Make Me Bad - Korn

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Dead Girls Are Easy - The 69 Eyes

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been so long coming

I am a father, a dad, a man with a soft heart. I walk my own path which is more often than not on a road no one can see nor understand.  I have a commitment to myself and my girls, to be of virtue and morals. To teach but not control their lives.

As a man, i see so many things. For insight in me is like breathe. I am too aware. Too wound as of late. And close down gather myself for me and my kids. 

I need what i cannot ever have.. I desire what in life, I find as the most difficult to find.  Truth, integrity, and love. In a world gone mad with idiocy and low standards. I find I do not fit in.
I am a man from a different era maybe, or know somehow, something, deeper about life.. or maybe I am just insane.

Something has to give and break for change to truly take place. So i lay myself to the rocks and step away from the souless masses of crass asses..  to find my own.. to find myself again.. and gather strength for my road.... Reckon it will be one I walk alone for many a yrs to come.. and that is ok by me.  And probably, for the best. 

Maybe I have lost hope in humanity or maybe being me, has finally gleened to thine eyes, walk alone.

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Creep - Radiohead

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well

Colors and lack of, paints pictures of nothing extraordinary.   When plain janes want more than they are themselves... I find this comical. And ironic.

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tomorrow off

For the 4th of july...independance day...  And yes that is ironic.  My muse is in town, working on her house... Hope to assist some. And if im not feelin too shy snag a hug from the lady.  Happy 4th mofo's. Woot woot

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she's gone

Kids are with me...  Now for the rest of this mess...  Argh

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meaningful song

Watch "Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes (with lyrics)" on YouTube

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the fire

Has commenced.... Rather large blaze atm.... And shall keep it so until many many things, from the last decade, have been purged by flame...  Ahhhhh....  Good night this one....

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intrw

If I had face to face friends, like the friendships I have with my online friends, stateside and abroad, I would be in a much more reasonable way...  I have been lost for so long, been unhealthy in so many ways for so long, I am not sure, what healthy even means anymore...  This is existance... That is all this is...

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the first time

For the first time in my life, I need to work two jobs.  Which brings on a set of its own problems...ie less time with my children.. fuck the system!

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costly

Well after the weekend with the girls..and my phone being decimated.. I am back in the multi tasking world of the smart phone.

I realize I use this for much more than fb or txting.. it is very much a creative tool for me. From blogging to photos. And now all of my blogs I can access via mobile. Seems different aspects of my personality can be readily compartmentalized into several groups in a general sense... Art, passions, writing. So it goes.. slave to cash, slave to the mundane.  

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I just used Shazam to discover Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett. http://shz.am/t10043189

Thursday

  Been up since 4 a.m.  my quicky blog this morning is on enjoying the moment... Seizing the moment and enjoying things when they are before you. I have been trying and somewhat succeeding in being able to stop and smell the roses so to speak in the very moment.  Hindsight is usually 20/20.. But is current sight this way?  Try it..  don't dwell on what ifs or could have beens.. we all do..  but don't dwell too long. Enjoy the moments we all have, with our children, our friends, and loved Ones...be thankful when people do, stir your emotions..  even if they make you confused.. it proves your hearts still alive.
Enjoy those moments..  smile at them..  and be thankful knowing people can stand out of the masses of asses.. 

Van = murphys law

Yes, in the shop tomorrow..my soccer dad ride... meh...  back to the work car I got from Ben.. the boat of a car.. this will cost me... murphy..if I meet him... its fuckin on ...lol

Sometimes

The hardest thing to do is be selfless. I have let my own desires fuel my heart before..  And to be totally honest..  Kate, and what we shared, for the time we did.. was magic for me. It started innocently.  But from the first time I saw her live, even though on cam, I saw a Beautiful and Amazing woman. What happened two yrs ago... hurt me more than I care to admit. I was cut away like a cancer, and I had become just that in so many ways.  I couldn't walk away from her, ever.
Now after we have both spoken, I feel closure, finally. Still love her? Yes, of course, and always.  But In Love? No, its been too long, too many things have changed.. and even if I did.. I could never open myself again to the pain her leaving for the second time, had brought into my heart.
Now I see so many things I did wrong. I held too tight, wanted too much, and left myself regardless of consequences, open to failure. 
Now, I see things differently. I understand why she had to walk away. I always did, it just tore me up inside.
Now that I can care and be open again.. I remove myself from the equation. No wants, no agendas.. But just a growing feeling of understanding, and appreciation and respect...for everyone and for my muse. I do know my role, and fight letting the selfishness of want to take hold.. its childish..
You can love people, have them close to you, even miss them and not need to "have" them. Nor want the typical outcomes..  It is a new level and strange tbh.. but this role with my muse..is best suited. To care, to listen, to understand as well for her, as she does me.  And that is enough..  and I am thankful.

Yes, I Miss what Kate and I shared, miss it immensely..and I Miss Her... yet it can never be open between us again.Not like it was... it has been pretty clear I am still an asshat of immense proportions... I wish our friendship could flourish.. but I am weary, and keep plenty of distance out of respect. Nice to be able to say hello, but she scares the fuck out of my heart, and my tenderside. So I keep way clear for my own good. Cause I tends to be a soft hearted knuckle dragger.. 

So, here I see things maybe more positively.. more clearly..  I am Tender guy at heart.. often too tender. But Loving the people I care about.. and not... putting myself in the equation..ie falling in love.. keeps people clear. Clear of my burdens, my dramas, and my whinging like a broken hearted asshat... But caring, and showing I care, with integrity and minus my own selfish desires... Is a new path.. And good for me and those I hold dear.

Its odd

Things going on, that once would have really effected my mood.

Now, its just a little skin off the shin. Had a long and over do talk with my muse... and now, the term muse.. is not the proper term..Yet, she still inspires me and is cute as hell...but more over she is, My closest friend, who I sincerely and with no agendas care a lot about. Not someone to chase, nor to fall for.. But yes, someone to love. My new selfless love without want, nor the ache to be with..  But don't get a dude wrong.. she is one hell of a lady. But my role, sometimes I see more clearly than other times.  And the transitions in how I care about people and let them in my life, is changing for the better.
A huge mess going on in my personal life.  And loads of over time this week.
But all this being said...  there is a new freedom I feel...  Freedom to be Myself once again...

Sometimes

Taking a step back...  because I need to...  To refrain from overstepping my role, and myself..  keepin my shit real, so in honesty, I have to squash my crush, to keep a close friendship...
Quality is hard to find..Hence the attraction...  I so silly like that...lmfao...tis true tis true..facepalms...  then grins... You'll have that sometimes though I reckon.

This weekend

Andi graduates... then that is done.  The cunning runt is trying to date.. and from what I hear... to no avail. I told her I have no bad feelings over it. And tbh I don't.. I'm wishing her the best. Things are changing, and I am excited as fuck!!  8)

Watch "97X In-Studio Performance - Authority Zero (One More Minute)" on YouTube

Question

How do you contend with a strong heart, that is too sensitive?
Fair question?
Don't dwell, don't assume, give of the heart readily and without intent nor hopes of retribution. Just live in the moments you have. Don't hold on, don't want. Just let it all go. Live in the now, appreciate what is there before you when it is before you. Treat those moments like they will never happen again and live your way. And maybe if this is manageable.. the ache that's always there in one form or another.. will not be an ache any longer. But be what makes the difference in your character and breaks the stereo type..    a new appreciation, a new way to see, and hopefully a new way to feel what is special and not be concerned with outcomes.
Meh, or be spiteful...either way works..one is just way more difficult.. lol..
Things I work on daily are in the first paragraph

Watch "Red Hot Chili Peppers - Nobody Weird Like Me (Album Version)" on YouTube

Zen....

Is the calm, the appreciation, the enjoyment of the little things, and living in the moment. That past is passed, the future is never here, all we have is the now.  
Yep... epiphonies are positive barin farts for me...lmao

Watch "Slipknot - Snuff w: lyrics" on YouTube

I just used Shazam to discover Burn It Down by Linkin Park. http://shz.am/t58853517

I just used Shazam to discover Winter Winds by Mumford & Sons. http://shz.am/t50929439

I have a craving

  A candle lit bubble bath, giving someone a back and body massage.  Something romantic...  tender moments.. I miss em.
As well as claw marks down by back, bite marks on my shoulders..  argh...its hump day...  ba ha ha...but for me... ARRRRGHHHHHH!!

Here i sit again

Dawn, in a parking lot prior to work...eating my breakfast.. feeling the urge to expound thoughts in type.
The song snuff by slipknot sums up a lot in my life. Check out the song, and the lyrics folks.
I can say this. Ino longer search, for that deep tender connection I once had. It to me, was magic. Most likely doomed from the beginning because I led with my heart. Hard for me not to in times like those. There was pure joy.. maybe shared..I remember so many things.. still bring me to a warm place in my head and heart.
We are all flawed people. life never is exactly how we dream and wish it to be. But sometimes, it ok.. to just realize not all things are negative. 
My zen, is not a beach, nor a person. My zen is a combination of so many variables. One being just sincere love.

Best thing in this world

I've seen so far... is the ocean from the coast of Australia...it really opened a part of me.. Had the time of my life..  And tbh, I would enjoy sitting at Norahead , and just write..  I need to find that zen I felt. That peacefullness. It is still in me..  That inspiration. And I owe a lot to who I went all that way to meet. Shit got sideways yeppers..  But Respect will Always there regardless....

Sometimes

I now see the ways of my nature.. I have changed. I no longer chase things, nor try for things that obviously want fuck all to do with me. That would have bugged me yrs ago.. now its meh.. to each their own.
The reason I am reminded not to date is because I am nice, in general ways, and old school. This output can paint a picture of some deep interest. When to me, its just being chivalrous and proper. For attraction can be a given sometimes. But if something is given so easily and readily to me.. then why would I have interest in it.. for it is usually given to anyone else as well.. yes I mean dating and sex. I don't want a deep connection when dating.. and if they put sex on the table early, then there is not going to be a second date. I'm more reserved than that. I know I can bring something different to the table. And I won't just give that to anyone because I'm horny.. It is a personal thing for me.. and no judgements for those who see otherwise. But this is who and how I am. Myself, regardless of the norm. Maybe this is what dates my age, or my soul. That's ok.. I have no problem with consensual sex tbh. But I do need to know the person.. Have at the very least an intellectual attraction.
Its been so so long since I've had knock down drag out marathon sex. The debauchery of the flesh. In very personal and kinky ways. And it does bug me I admit.
I know on some level, I can be a game changer. Heart, respect, old school romance. And also the depth of sexuality that has almost no limits.. but for me, this will never be something of myself I can just share with anyone. I do like being the darkest chapter in a womans sexual diary..and I haven't been for a very very very long time. Maybe because nobody can simply tap into that side of me? Anyways.. here is to just being ourselves, no judgements from others..but being true to who we are inside

Meh

Ya just sometimes ask yourself..  seriously?  Not sure what this pertains to tbh..  but it did sound good...ba ha ha ha..

I just used Shazam to discover Walk by Foo Fighters. http://shz.am/t53464863

I just used Shazam to discover These Days by Foo Fighters. http://shz.am/t54092038

I just used Shazam to discover Stupid Girl by Cold. http://shz.am/t11262215

I just used Shazam to discover Dream On by Aerosmith. http://shz.am/t374406

I just used Shazam to discover When I'm Gone by 3 Doors Down. http://shz.am/t20082365

I feel

There for I am human. Being male, expressing feelings isn't suppose to be normal usually, or maybe. But I am my own man. I march to the beat of my own heart, my own soul.
Truth is, I spread myself thin on purpose. Its another way to keep myself guarded, safe.  I feel some deep blogs coming.. On Life, Love, and what it means to be the man I am. 

Andi's graduation

Her party is today. I'm avoiding that family like the plague.. But I am very proud of her. She gave me an awesome keepsake.  May not be the best dad nor even in the running.. But I do my best and I am always there for the em when no one else seems to notice somethings amiss..    Proud dad right here

In Ankeny

Bored, alone....   let's see...  can I find a date for supper in 30 min or less?  Doubtful.. but for the sheer fact of wth...I will give it a go..  I knows peoples everywhere.... bwa ha ha... wait..  before I pat my own bored back..  let's see if I can pull one out my bum to hang out with for supper..
Betty, Misty, Jen or Hope.  All friends of friends..surely all busy or taken enough not to have supper...lol..  all ankenians.. lol.  Yes I AM this bored.  Txting... worth a shot eh?

WOOT WOOT.... Mistys coming to have supper.  Yes yes, just supper for all you pervs out there...lmao..  hope she's still funny..  good convo, good foods, and someone to hang with.   I need to know people everywhere lol!

Watch "DRI - Manifest Destiny" on YouTube

Only the 75th time

I said pack your shit and leave.
Kids were upset, I am the devil. But this isn't healthy for them and they don't understand that. Either way, I am going to be hated. I am ok as long as someday they understand why. And without showing them a better life, that day may not ever come.
  But there has been nothing there for yrs now. I live my life half assed because of this. And things will change one way or another. And I'm ready to decimate this twat if need be.

I just used Shazam to discover Mr. Wrong by Cracker. http://shz.am/t43773150

Peace....

  To be flawed but have good intentions, to be imperfect but love froma pure free place inside you..  no wants, no agendas.. no dreams.. just good to breath it out and be who I am.

Honesty without intent

My muse has been such an eye opener. And I knew from day one, shed have a very positive effect on me.
From juicing ideas to just letting go of so many negatives. Always just a sincere and straight up person.  And knows me maybe at times better than I do...lol.
Saw her posts yrs ago on an old aquaintances fb.. thought wow she's funny as hell.. awesome..  now having gotten to know her, she is free as a bird and more eclectic than anyone I know.
She made me an offer. We both know where we stand and that brings me clarity in a lot of other aspects of my life.  Its just mojo. Nothings changed in this nor will. For this is a good thing. Something positive, caring, and understood.   So for just being my friend and inspiring me to see things in my own ways to ascend the normal human dramas as best we can... I owe her a huge hug and all the respect I have...

Few people send ripples into our lives.. it is how we accept or deny these influences.   And I am just in my zen.  Peaceful and saving for my days down the road..

Thank You Lisa. Much Respect 8)

Today

Is Mckenzies 9th birthday. She chose the restaurant, and its just us. After supper off to take her shopping. Kids are just awesome.

Boy

Did I dump a lot of thoughts and feelings on things out there today. For me it was a just appreciate and care and clear the air. It was a good thing. And as always understood before I even spoke. Creepy that...jkn..    its just nice to be... to show you care without any agenda. To just be there, regardless.  As friend, as someone who cares and listens, and to remind people, there are no limits, no preconcieved notions. Just respect and support from a very good place in you.  This is my zen maybe. just free to be, me.

I just used Shazam to discover In My Blood by Black Stone Cherry. http://shz.am/t53364105

Home

  Let my home, be where ever I am and with whomever is beside me.   

I just used Shazam to discover No Excuses by Alice In Chains. http://shz.am/t10508037

Woot

A week until DRI!   May get tix to Hank III for Saturday.  Des Moines, you have become my concert mistress..  good shows ugly metalheads..  bliss!
On another note, o.t. coming soon, which includes exhaustion, grumpiness, but mo money for my savings. Which we all know what that means.  Woot!

Weary, but warm

 

Blog

There literally are hundreds of things I wish to write about. From how I need to work on my zen ideals. To what I wish I had from this life.  Hate writing sometimes tbh, it makes me feel so self absorbed, but its maybe just me being free to share, create, show love, give respect and reflect on myself and what I'm learning and have learned.
For the longest time, love has been hard on me..  it lifts me up, fills my world, spins my head about and warms my heart.  And I have realized sometimes, my love can bare a certain heaviness.. at times oppressive. And that's part of my ego involved..  love should be egoless.. from a center in you.. and that's what I'm going to return to. Showing my love for those I deeply care for.. removing my ego as best I can, and not beating myself down, for not being rich, or this n that. 
With this new, way, one I hope not to struggle against.. maybe peace, warmth, and hope can be grown again in new ways..

We all need people who know us, respect us, and who will never intentionally do us harm. This is what I need to share..  this...Apprecation, this Love, and it is pure. And I have love to give people in my life, and give without regrets or fear. Because maybe this is just who I am.. and how I am meant to be.  Tender, loving, protective, and supportive. 
Because maybe, I seek these things for myself as well..  Lots of Love and Respect to my readers.. 

Hellyeah n Clutch

Tonight in Des Moines...  not even excited about it tbh...  meh... may have concert burn out.. already. 

I just used Shazam to discover Always On Your Side by Sheryl Crow Feat. Sting. http://shz.am/t45334832

I just used Shazam to discover Glad You Came by The Wanted. http://shz.am/t53633366

Some

Some grr moments... actually I just don't smile in pics... not that I'm always mad..lol. I need a wig though...ba ha ha..keepin to the hats....lol

Writing

The sun, the moon....
  Shine over every single thing..
Oceans seperate, mountains can divide
Who's in us, with each passing night.

Be true to yourself, for you know thee best
Share love for those in our lives
 who touch us, help us spread our wings...
And send ripples into our hearts, souls..
And into our light

Doodles

Water inspired

Love Adele...

I just used Shazam to discover Daydreamer by Adele. http://shz.am/t45579095

Ya ever have those days

Where everything you try to share, or say or express..comes out not really how ya meant to express it?  Well...  those days are the story of my life.      Lol....  and its so not even funny...

Yep

Thirsty Thursday...kerps for drunken coworker day last night....and boy did I have my share...woot woot

Saving for a big weekend

Takin the kids to the zoo and maybe a cabin... Andi is off to college in about 6 weeks..her vet classes begin in summer...argh.  Very proud of her..she had prom last weekend... yeah scared that kid...lol.

Its vwednesday morning

Little after 6 a.m.  just got stuff to eat for breakfast at work..  usually write my uncentered blogs prework...but I've reread some and wow are they a mass of random thoughts.

That being said, I just farted.  Lol yeah such class for the crass ass... 
The sky looks gloomy, as it has just stopped raining. But the clouds look beautiful. Sun will be rising soon. Everything is green and growing. The winter which was mild this yr is gone. Each yr passes and I know more about myself and yet overall I know so little.  I still get lost at times and wonder in depth.    

Tired of thinking, tired of being here.. yet for now it is still home.  Realized being from a small community and rural, I am often shy and withdrawn itrw. Not bad I don't think, but there is something that I would like to see change in me.

So this is todays blog.. and a photo of the clouds..

Foogly moogly

Lmmfao

Soulfly

It Was a great show.. lody kong which is half cavelera..Maxs sons, was actually really really good..    brings it all back to family.  

Tbh, I fear I have squandered a lot of my potential. I'm not stupid, usually. Lol..  but I was never career minded.. raised myself and always just did what I had to, to live.  Now, I realize I could have lived differently.. no regrets. But helps to bring more wisdom into my future I hope.   

  Still workin on my direction and what I want from life. I guess, maybe, its the things I didn't have growing up.  A sense of family..  a home, someone equal to share life with..  I do often try so very hard for those I care about. And even with that, fall short. But intentions in those ways have always been a sincere and honorable part of me. When idgaf I realize I am as shit as any other guy.  So I have always tried to let things touch me or let my heart be more the guide.. which is often led to a lot of wishful thinking... but maybe its because under that.. I know somehow what I really am capable of..  but I have tired of baring the weight in things. Baring them alone.   Its not weakness... I just deep down know there is magic in the world..  and that comes from connection, trust, and standing with someone.
Never been a great guy, often not even a good guy..  but I do try. For something special. Something to share and value in the growth and mark milestones not as myself... but as a part of a family.
  I have a good heart, its not fickle... once people are inside that part of me..  it is not something that just changes... 

I don't think I deserve anything, but I know, I need peace, happiness, and family. Deserve it? That's not my call.. 

If you know me well, you know my hearts an open book.. my moods and feelings can be seen on my face and in body language. These things I've never known how to fake.  I am me, imperfectly flawed, yet so easy of nature for those closest to me.   

I do wish, I did have a career.. something I can do for work, anywhere I go..  maybe tattooing is an option..  but not the physical work I am so used to and crave.  I'm as comfortable lazin about as I am bustin my ass and sweatin it out... but its the midwest work ethic.. and sense of pride in the work.. and effort. 

I'm doing away with my Thursday beers after work..  become to regular.. and needs to change..  so kerps is now, iffy on the weekly.anyways....  

But a lot has resurfaced in my life...  and I am always thankful for those who know me best and get who I am..  few do...lmao..

So a random half groggy blog...lol

I wasnt shit faced

But yes, few hrs later, as I closed my eyes... weeeee rollercoaster.... room spinning, and no hang over today.  Woot woot...   drunken txts to my muse... surely were stupendously funny.. in the I'm a moron sense atleast..  when you are in a topless bar, and you're txting people... ya know ya just ain't diggin it.  And being 38, I can honestly say in all the yrs I have been in em, I think I have had maybe, 15 lap dances...  so not my thing havin some broad rub on ya for a buck... but we went we saw we mocked and we bailed...  d.d. got us all to our places of pass outery, yes new word!   But anyways, resting up, Soulfly is tonight...  may not enter the pit... but that part of me is a fickle bitch, if I need to, I shall...lol. torn acl tends to make a dude my age a bit gunshy.

I just used Shazam to discover Drunken Lullabies by Flogging Molly. http://shz.am/t11131442

Hangin for my review

I'm waiting for my yearly revie at work. I'm going to ask for more money. I think its only fair. I got a mediocre raise two weeks ago. But I am going to be honest and state the facts. I out produce everyone on either shift.. sometimes 3 to 1. Today for example..  by 2:45 I was done.. started fuckin off... my. Eh hum, "lead man" says what you done for the day?  I asked what's your count so far? He said 8... he built 8 fucking panels...  I said well. Hit 45 at 2:30 and yeah.. I'm done... 13 foot 10 inch walls.. with no help.. finger will be numb in the morning surely..  I asked, if I am honestly putting out more than 2x your best guys, And 3 to 4 times what the most do...  I think I need more money for working like I do.. he agreed.. said tell em in my review... that's 2 out of 3 lead men who have said yes.. you need more money for the quantity and quality you put out.  If I don't ok..my rates will adjust to just above there best guy.. and ask to go to second shift

Beer thursday

Had a few, then ate n sobered up.. then took the kidlets out for supper... seems Kaitlyn, on top of hormones, is going through a lot with Andi soon heading to college. I realize how each one of the girls has a certain part of my heart, or soul in them.  Kaitlyns scared, sad, and feels she's losing her sister..  we had a long talk.  And soon I had the sincere smile from her... they are great kids..  sibling rivalries aside.. Ones got my sensitivity, one has my work ethic, and one has just the exhuberance I have...well at times..  a more proud father I don't I could be. 
Work party is tomorrow evening, but tonight, the girls and I are spending quality time...  taken em out for new hair cuts n styles.. color if they so wish.. let em be the unique n lovely little girls they are, and feel special and spoiled for the day...

I just used Shazam to discover Love Rollercoaster by Red Hot Chili Peppers. http://shz.am/t322080

Need to link all my blogs

  It Thursday...  coworker party set for Saturday. Got my darts all set up n ready. Soulfly concert with hegwood on Sunday night. This weekend will be a beer drinking extravaganza...lol..  not sure if I'm down for boozery to an exstant.. but so it shall be. Me n the guys need a destress day laughin and bustin each other balls. So it'll be.
On another note. I've been pretty reserved in many things the last few yrs.  Its time to just breathe again, and get my shit together.. rested on my laurels too long. I admit I have a lot of fear. And my life has never had a lot of it..  but the last t yrs I've felt fear and its new still to me. But I'm off to the grind. And will save my laments for another blog. 

Wishing all my readers much Love and Respect.  Everyone. Thankful for everyone I have in my life, again. Means the world to me people. Really does.

Current

Butterflies... in my guts.. that soft side in me, is again, so simply touched without even trying..  its kryptonite.  Makes ya weak, makes your head swim..  and can destroy you.. yet, somehow, this brings a long lost..warmth...  a feeling of peace, even in the midst of swirling emotions and and the stresses of the day...  somehow, this, has allowed me, to breathe again..   

Yup YUUUUP

  Easter....  kids bummed...  no trip like last yrs...  but pffft..    can't be super dad all the time... just dad is going to have to be enough for awhile

I just used Shazam to discover These Days by Foo Fighters. http://shz.am/t54092038

Sent to me once... love this tune btw

Watch "Say-John Mayer-Say what you need to say" on YouTube

Kids

I have never had much problem with being dad.. and I think I do ok...  but all these freakin hormones.. holy bat shit... I'm going to drink myself to death...lol...

And on a more.....somber note..  the "grey" in my goatee..which is now a beard... well..I found em... 4 of em.. and LONG! WHITE HAIRS!   NOT EVEN GREY! (Blonde imo). Nope straight up white...  argh...  I think its one for each daughter...

On that note... My oldest.. which is not by blood yet is as much mine as the other three where it matters... well, she is off to college soon. 
Proud of her...  more so..than most know..  but its yet another transition for me.. 

I've been through a lot.. the last 5 yrs..  some of which is very deep and painful.. some of which, has changed my outlook on life and the world all together..  but if I could do it all again... id make few changes.. I have lived, and loved, laughed and cried..  and this is a very small portion of my entire life..  I hope, my children see their dad, as not a perfect man, but human and able to show how he really feels and to never be ashamed.. of being yourself...even if..  you stand out like a sore thumb.

I just used Shazam to discover Outside by Staind. http://shz.am/t5166120

Sleeve work

Been too long since I have gotten a tattoo...  the addiction beckons to me, yet again...  sleeve beginnings...

I just used Shazam to discover Nutshell by Alice In Chains. http://shz.am/t6036224

I just used Shazam to discover Pepper by Butthole Surfers. http://shz.am/t11118167

I just used Shazam to discover The Cave by Mumford & Sons. http://shz.am/t51791057

I just used Shazam to discover Closer by Nine Inch Nails. http://shz.am/t10307087

I just used Shazam to discover Here I Go Again by Whitesnake. http://shz.am/t11241686

I just used Shazam to discover These Days by Foo Fighters. http://shz.am/t54092038

Woot woot...

Bar day!   Fuck yeah...   gunna check in on how much a keg is and have a coworker gathering... helps moral...ba ha ha

Watch "Forty Six & 2 - Tool" on YouTube

A few honest truths

Never hold onto the things we cherish, too tightly. Appreciate things and people we love for how they send ripples into our lives. Good or bad, make no judgements but never play the fool either.  Give what feels right, with no hopes nor intent of some goal.  Just be who you are.  Love, Appreciate, Care, Live, and Laugh..    Give respect where others cannot. Set the standard in your life.  And don't be scared, to let people care.
A few things, I have learned, in time.

Herpa derp

  Argh...decisions decisions.. 
Summer is here...way early.  Kids are anxious for a trip.. and dads anxious to find his own trip. May fly down and see Puerto Rico anyways..  I'm fluent in ordering cervezas in spanish.. and I can cuss in spanish.. so I have to set a plan. Everyone wants to go.. nobody wants to pay their own way...  fuck.. 

Fuck vegas

I just used Shazam to discover Shake Me Down by Cage The Elephant. http://shz.am/t53062169

Almost two yrs later...

And as much as I gloss over it... there is still... a huge hole in my chest..  it aches stll... sometimes, more than others. But the ache, is always there...  it reminds me, of Beauty, to value those very few I now let into my life. And reminds me most of all..  She is still out there, Beautiful as Ever. Strong, Proud, and Hopefully, Loved as she Truly Deserves to be..
Always with Respect, Gratitude and Never ending Love
Micheal J. Christy

  

Watch "The Ataris Boys Of Summer STUDIO VERSION WITH LYRICS" on YouTube

Rough plans

Puerto Rico, this summer?
Or Australia next yr?
Or 2014 fifa world cup in Brazil...    fuck... gotta go somewhere amazing..  input welcomed

Wanting to go to see my "muse"

  Need some smiles, drama free, and just spend time with someone I respect.  But meh, haven't made plans to do much. Checked into my own vaca... but will pop funds ona kids vaca instead surely@@

?????

Not sure what the hell is even happening anymore. And the anarchist in me rocks every boat, especially my own. Good for self to shake it up sometimes..

Possibly no grand trips

Most likely not going overseas this yr. Save for next I guess...  but new ink on the way, and looking into a good vaca for the girls n I.

Watch "All My Life lyrics- Foo Fighters" on YouTube

Wisdom from a movie

A Man, who can control, and harness his emotions, is always dangerous.

Still and always

Missing the closest person I've had in my life.  I stay away out of respect.. and to guard falling back into that deepest of loves. For I know, I most likely would fall all over again.. still have much Love and Respect... and tbh I Always will.  But I miss even our our friendship.  Argh... 

I just used Shazam to discover Virtual Insanity by Jamiroquai. http://shz.am/t5300929

Watch "Junkyard - Simple Man (audio only)" on YouTube

I just used Shazam to discover Riot by Three Days Grace. http://shz.am/t44341115

Light metal

Watch "Five Finger Death Punch - Under And Over It" on YouTube

Fuck yeah

Watch "CLUTCH The Regulator" on YouTube

I just used Shazam to discover Forever by Papa Roach. http://shz.am/t44512773

Lmmfao

  Old skags never learn... nor do their men bitches...
An ode to a jefferson troll...

Lmfao

Oh the games that jefferson cockroach can't help but create...  aren't you dead yet?   Fuck....   always slightly delusional, the lies, were epic as they are you whole life...   stay away or drop dead you fuckin sick mental midget...   you are a sociopath..  you fucked up enough in my life..as always..... 

Watch "Linkin Park - Somewhere i belong + Lyrics" on YouTube

Watch "Times Like These (acoustic) - Foo Fighters (with lyrics)" on YouTube

Im tired

The achy bones and tired soul kind of tired..  I'm just worn out..  pffft

Sometimes

Ya just gotta say fuck it.....mondays blow goat balls

So

Sitting here, Kaitlyn curled up beside me.  Not feelin so well.  Another two weeks of work until I can get away for a weekend.. 
Old friends, cheap drinks, and no particular place to be.
Looking into the c.o.c. show this week.. see if its feasible, travel involved and a hotel overnight is a must. Won't drive 5 hours back after a club show.  So have to plan vacation wisely.. hope to save as much as possible for early next yr.    But undecided as of yet if I am going to Australia next yr. This time would be much different.  And have to plan wisely and save.. but looking into the carribean may be a closer more reasonable goal..  either way Oz will always be a place I return to as much as possible.    Have to see more of the country.   One way or another.

Realizations

Sometimes, where, and what, we invest doesn't bare the fruit we hoped it would. It can make us weary of such things. But where I invest my heart, even if the goal is never achieved, I never feel it was a mistake or fruitless.
I may never have the things in my life I want, and maybe, never the things I even need..  but I will always invest myself, and my heart, when something is worth it, and even its loss, and all the pain associated with it.  It is who I am. It is how I am. And flawed as that may be to some.. it is perfect for me..  because it is simply being true to myself.
And that is maybe part of my personal integrity.

Im not sure

Who was havin more fun, me or the girls...   missed most of my playoffs game, but tbh, I don't care if I did...   

50 a month for the Carroll rec center.

That's not too bad... now if I had someone who liked working out to make it more than just work...lol..  

Should be in my other blog but on the ol mobile gettarino

Today it became obvious why I am back in framing.. the plant manager popped the cork on it...  um can two people produce enough wood rail coolers n freezers to keep foaming running.. so ie can you two cover the job of four?   They always get me.. the play me...they burn me up...   I said well, give us a third guy, let me call who does what and maybe I can make it work...  I am so fuckin stupid..  yeah it comes down to work ethic and productivity... go to the guy who is the fastest and lob him the ball...I already designed the area, for the most part as after the first 70% they stopped listening to me, which combined two areas..    now I am asked to do the job of two guys... I already out run em more than 2 to 1... ffs... ask for more money? Won't happen... ask to set it up my way? That's possible maybe... but killin myself everyday is pfft... there is No competition... so I have fuck all motivation to still outrun everyone.. it falls to me.. to make it work, again.
Why?  Do they know I can? Or do they know I am obliged to redo and improve where I work...work smarter and harder ..  fuck ...fuck fuck...  fuck me damn it.. wth...   ok vented..
Over the coming weeks I will put in my two cents and hopefully trim more fat from the area..  make the process even more productive.  But I will not unless I get control.. I'm not going to be used for these tricks I find and not be accredited either financially or on paper or with control to make it my way...  my way is easy...  less work, easier process, more production... that is stream lining...   its a knack..its common fuckin sense and listening to your coworkers... working together to improve.  So I asked for the third fastest guy, who is sloppy, and we will see what happens tomorrow..it may be a first step..but its just a job... I want paid for my abilities and the ways I like to implement change in the areas I am in... is that arrogant?  Or is that fair? 

Watch "The White Buffalo "Highway Man"" on YouTube

Patience.....

Head down, work, shut my mouth, work. Keep focused, save...  little get aways to ease the strain....work...    kill this tension in my brain....work... sleep... wash rinse repeat...  goals, ever shifting like smoke in the breeze... never form a tangible thing...work....shut up... save save save....   someday it won't feel its in vain...
Sore, aches, mostly my brain... hurt bah, pain reminds you of life... back broken, fingers a mess, ibuprofen will help me rest.. work.... save...  struggle to pave..  focus on the another day...its the calm...its the storm...  its varied feelings in every form... wash it away.. begin anew... 
Fuck it... I'm goin to bed... brains knackered all to fook... 
Fuck me for tryin...   sleep well folks... friend or foe...

Its been such a long day

Planned on puttin some air in this blogs sails today, but I'm drained.  Save it for when I store up some whit...   pfffft.. 

Watch "Corrosion Of Conformity- Broken Man" on YouTube

Watch "Corrosion of Conformity Drowning in a Daydream" on YouTube

I just used Shazam to discover Inside Out by Eve 6. http://shz.am/t20070233

Watch "Tito & Tarantula - After Dark" on YouTube

Watch "Times Like These (acoustic) - Foo Fighters (with lyrics)" on YouTube

Just finally realized

Having no one to send something to nor give someone something for Valentines day sort sucks dog balls...  romantic side removal service? Anyone have a number? Or someone a random can send something to....ha ha jkn...     pffftt

Well, it is the new year

  Hoping to turn the page this yr.  Work on savings and stock shares ie overtime up the wazoo.. 
I need to get my other blog linked to my cell.  It has become more of a net outlet for me lately. 

Maybe by yrs end if not before, I can reclaim some friendships. Let go of the past as well.  But still some soreness there, but miniscule these days.

  On the social tip, losing interest for my febuary trip.  May need it actually but thinking it may be more hassle than positives..  

But anyways, old friends and catching up would be cool.  Just not down with the hassle and possible weather that will be here by then. 

Either way its a new year.. here is to knew things, knew friendships, and gettin back to being myself again... 

Lacking social skills

Mike takes only daughter without plans to subway and a movie...   lmmfao